King Kashue and the Holy Grail
by Lady Belegwen Lightningblade
Summary: Record of Lodoss War meets Monty Python. We are all doomed.
1. Brief Intro

Introduction  
  
Director: Before we get started I would like to reintroduce you to several minor characters of Lodoss War whose names you have almost certainly forgotten.  
  
Shadam: Kashue's competent second in command. He appeared near the end of both the OAV and the TV series.  
  
Zact: In the OAV and the manga, a townsman who thought Parn was trouble. He was clearly wrong about our wonderful, cute, chivalrous Parn. (The director denies any accusations of favoritism.)  
  
Filmor: The mayor of Parn's village.  
  
Cecil: the gorgeous blond sorceror from the TV series -- one of the big reasons to watch the TV series. I'm sure you remember him, but for those who haven't seen the TV series or read the Deedlit's Tale manga, here he is.  
  
Naba: Big fat guy in the OAV who gets mindcontrolled by Karla and bellows, Come one, you have to remember him.  
  
Tessius: Parn's father. He may not actually be named in the OAV or TV series. This is why you need to read the manga.  
  
Smetty: Ugly female mercenary that likes to beat up on Shiris in the TV series.  
  
Liala: Girl from Parn's village in the OAV who gets attacked while bathing alone in the forest. Parn saves her, but I think anyone who bathes alone in the forest is probably asking for it. One must also wonder why Parn happened to be so nearby. Perhaps a tryst has been arranged . . . . Nah, Parn wouldn't have done that.  
  
Fianna: Princess of Valis in the manga and OAV. I don't think she's directly mentioned in the TV series, but the assumption is that Etoh got to be king by marrying her.  
  
Wort: One of the Six Lights. Specifically the magician. Appears in the OAV and the manga.  
  
Hobb: The priest who can't make up his mind what side he's on. TV series. And in Deedlit's Tale but his name is spelled there, which I think is funny.  
  
Jebra: The Captain from the doomed city in the OAV. Parn's role model, before he met Kashue.  
  
Jester: Prince of Moss in the OAV.


	2. Credits

HARPY (EVIL) PICTURES LTD  
in association with  
LADY BELEGWEN LIGHTNINGBLADE  
presents  
**************  
King Kashue  
and  
The Holy Grail  
  
King Kashu ik den Hølie Gräilen  
**************  
Written and performed by:  
Mabry Slemmons  
Kashue of Flaim  
Etoh of Zaxon  
Parn of Zaxon  
Woodchuck of Allania  
Slayn of Zaxon  
  
Røten nik Akten Di  
**************  
With:  
Naba of Valis  
Tessius of Valis  
Bob of Marmo  
Smetty of Marmo  
Fahn of Vali  
Beld of Marmo  
Cecil of Kanon  
  
Wik  
**************  
Also Appearing:  
Pirotess of Marmo  
Ashram of Marmo  
  
Alsø Wik  
**************  
Also Also Appearing:  
Shadam of Flaim Filmor of Zaxon  
Marfa of Godliness Zact of Zaxon  
Wort of Flaim Karla of Kastoll  
Neese of Valis Leylia of Valis  
Ghim of Mountain Shiris of Flaim  
Orson of Flaim Deedlit of Forest  
Fianna of Valis Vagnado of Marmo  
Maar of Zaxon Spark of Flaim  
Leaf of Zaxon Garrik of Flaim  
Rina of Flaim Aldonova of Valis  
Greevus of Flaim  
  
Alsø Alsø Wik  
**************  
Camera Operator Flessan Flarson  
Camera Focua Diarmuid dan Ailell  
Camera Assistant Sam Gamgee  
Camera Grip Lark Talaysen  
Chargehand Electrician B. Oredom  
Lighting Fanfiction Lightning Service LTD  
Hubris and Son LTD  
Tech No Color   
Rostrum Cameraman Kelson Haldane  
  
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Cefirø this yër?  
**************  
Sound Recordist Evan Locke  
Sound Mixer Angarhad Gwyn  
Boom Swinger Schmendrick Magis  
Sound Maintenance Regis Hastur  
Sound Assistant Richard Rahl  
Dubbing Editor Lucifer Morningstar  
Assistant Editors Tarma shena Talesedrin, Mathew Montrell  
Rand al Thor, Aurian Forgottenname  
Eleret Forgottenname, Draco Malfoy  
Sound Effects Durathror  
  
See the løveli øceans  
**************  
Assistant Art Director Sandtiger Stessa, The  
Construction Manager Isaac Newton, Sir  
Carpenters Achmed the Snake, Esmerelda Weatherwax  
Painter Mara Jade  
Stagehand Alessan bar Valentin  
Rigger Caius Crispus  
  
And mäni interesting hazerds  
**************  
With Special Extra Thanks to:  
Graham Chapman  
John Cleese  
Eric Idle  
Terry Gilliam  
Terry Jones  
Michael Palin  
Joe Saunders  
David Slemmons  
Ryo Mizuno  
Brendan Agnew  
Leisha Delleray  
Athony Smith  
Robin Smith  
Meghan Brennan  
  
Made Entirely on location in Lodoss at Valis Castle, Wort's Tower, Flaim, Zaxon, Marmo, Moss Castle, The Forest of No Return, Kanon  
  
By Harpy(Evil) Pictures Limited (Hell, Ninth Level, Suite 666)  
Copyright (c) To no one, because it was all pinched. No rights reserved.  
  
The Characters and Incidents portrayed the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, charactersm and history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional--Signed, Terry Brooks  
  
Including the majestik mecha  
**************  
Songs Menolly  
Additional Music Delilah Stessa  
  
A mecha ønce sqashed my sister . . .   
**************  
Costume Designer Random Amber  
  
No realli! She was karving her initials øn the mecha with her light saber given her by Løki Skywalker--her brother-in-law--an Oslo hero and star of many Norwegian movies. The Høt Hands of a Jedi My Saber is Bigger Return of the Evil Credits . . .   
**************  
We apologize for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.  
**************  
Mynd you mecha sqashing kan be pretty nasti . . .   
**************  
We apologize again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.  
*************  
Production Manager Belgarion Rivason  
Assistant Director Polgara  
Special Effects Belgarath  
Choreography Vella Vettia  
Fight Director Arthur Pendragon  
Period Consultant Myrrddin Embrys  
Make-up Artists Liselle Velvet, Kheldar Silk  
Special Effects Photography Eriand Deific  
Animation Assistance Pablo Picasso, Walt Disney  
Mechas Programmed by Clef, Gendo Ikari  
**************  
Designer The Dark Lord  
Mecha Choreography Heero Yuui  
Miss Slemmons' Mechas By Rei Ayanami  
Mecha Programmed to Mix   
Cement and Sign Complicated   
Insurance Forms Shinesman Salmon Pink  
**************  
Mecha Noses Wiped By Shinji Ikari  
Large Mecha on the Left-hand  
Side of the Screen in the Third  
Scene from the End, Given a   
Thorough Grounding in Latin,  
French, and level Geography  
By Mokona  
Suggestive Poses for the Mechas  
Suggested By Urd  
Antler-care By Kasumi Tendo  
**************  
The directors of the frim hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.  
  
The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.  
**************  
Executive Producer Mabry Slemmons and the Wonder Dragon  
**************  
Producer Mabry Slemmons  
Assisted By Smaug, Puff the Magic Dragon, Pyrite, Farenath, Melgasia  
**************  
Directed by  
40 Hungarian Horntails  
6 Third Edition Copper Dragons  
142 Norwegian Ridgebacks  
14 Third Edition Green Dragons  
Smog  
7600 Dracolichs From Hell and Purgatory  
**************


	3. Scene One

Scene 1:   
(Kashue and his faithful servant Shadam are galloping on foot towards a large castle in Zaxon. Shadam is banging two halves of a coconut together. If you can picture Kashue doing this, I know you're laughing.)  
  
Kashue: (coming to an abrupt stop) Whoa, there!   
  
(clop clop, before Shadam remembers to stop clacking the coconuts.)  
  
Zact: Halt! Who goes there?   
  
Kashue: It is I, Kashue -  
  
Zact: Gesundheit.  
  
Kashue: - from the kingdom of Flaim, King of the Mercenaries, uniter of the provinces, and general hero!   
  
Zact: Pull the other one!  
  
Kashue: I am!  
  
Zact: (checks his leg to see if it is being pulled) You are not.  
  
Kashue: I am King Kashue.   
  
Zact: Gesundheit.  
  
Kasue: And this my trusty servant Shadam. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Flaim. I must speak with your lord and master.   
  
Zact: What, ridden on a horse?   
  
Kashue: (somewhat embarassed) Yes!   
  
Zact: You're using coconuts!   
  
Kashue: What?   
  
Zact: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.   
  
Kashue: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Allania, through--   
  
Zact: Where'd you get the coconut?   
  
Kashue: We found them.   
  
Zact: Found them? In Allania? The coconut's tropical!   
  
Kashue: What do you mean?   
  
Zact: Well, this is a temperate zone.   
  
Kashue: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.   
  
Zact: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?   
  
Kashue: Not at all, they could be carried.   
  
Zact: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?   
  
Kashue: (desperately) It could grip it by the husk!   
  
Zact: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.   
  
Kashue: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Kashue -  
  
Zact: Gesundheit.  
  
Kashue: - from the Court of Flaim is here?   
  
Zact: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 42 times every second, right?   
  
Kashue: Please!   
  
Zact: Am I right?   
  
Kashue: I'm not interested!   
  
(Another guard appears.)  
  
Filmor: It could be carried by an Marmo swallow!   
  
Zact: Oh, yeah, an Marmo swallow maybe, but not a Lodossian swallow, that's my point.   
  
Filmore: Oh, yeah, I agree with that . . . .   
  
Kashue: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Flaim?!   
  
Zact: But then of course Marmo swallows are not migratory.   
  
Filmor: Oh, yeah . . . .   
  
Zact: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway . . . .   
  
(clop clop Kashue appears to have given up.)  
  
Filmore: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?   
  
Zact: No, they'd have to have it on a line.   
  
Filmor: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!   
  
Zact: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?   
  
Filmore: Well, why not?


	4. Scene Two

Scene 2   
(a rather dirty Allanian village that has apparently been stricken by some plague or other natural disaster. A young scrumptiously-handsome blonde man is wheeling a cart full of dead bodies.)  
  
Cecil: Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead!   
  
Naba: Here's one -- nine pence.   
  
Tessius: I'm not dead! I've been gone for ten years and supposedly killed by bandits, but I'm NOT dead! It's a conspiracy! I have enemies! They wanted to keep me out of the OAVs and TV series! It's not fair!  
  
(Backstage the director mutters to herself that Tessius is dead, he was dead in the manga, the TV series, and the vastly superior OAV, though he did die in a different way in the manga.)  
  
Cecil: What?   
  
Naba: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.   
  
Tessius: I'm not dead!   
  
Cecil: Here -- he says he's not dead!   
  
Naba: Yes, he is.   
  
Tessius: I'm not!   
  
Cecil: He isn't.   
  
Naba: Well, he will be soon, he's badly wounded.   
  
Tessius: I'm getting better!   
  
Naba: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.   
  
Cecil: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.   
  
Tessius: I don't want to go in the cart! I want to find my son.  
  
(Backstage the director wishes that Tessius would learn to stay on script.)  
  
Naba: Oh, don't be such a baby.   
  
Cecil: I can't take him . . . .   
  
Tessius: I feel fine!   
  
Naba: Oh, do us a favor . . . .   
  
Cecil: I can't.   
  
Naba: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.   
  
Cecil: Naaah, I got to go on to Orson's -- they've lost nine today.   
  
Naba: Well, when is your next round?   
  
Cecil: Thursday.   
  
Tessius: I think I'll go for a walk.   
  
Naba: You're not fooling anyone y'know. You died ten years ago when you either decided to take on thirty bandits yourself while leaving your post or when you rescued a princess from being dragon munchies. Shut up. (to Cecil) Look, isn't there something you can do?   
  
Tessius: I feel happy . . . I feel happy. (whop -- that was Cecil's nice big staff--I did not mean to be dirty! honest!--on Tessius' thick skull -- hey, Parn had to get it from somewhere!)  
  
Naba: Ah, thanks very much.   
  
Cecil: Not at all. See you on Thursday.   
  
Naba: Right.  
  
(clop clop -- King Kashue and Shadam gallop past.)  
  
Cecil: Who's that then?   
  
Naba: I don't know.   
  
Cecil: Must be a king.   
  
Naba: Why?   
  
Cecil: He hasn't got shit all over him.   
  
  
  



End file.
